Self-esteem and confidence are closely related, but they are not the same thing. Confidence often concerns what we believe we can do: speak in front of a group, begin a relationship, learn something unfamiliar, manage conflict or cope with a difficult situation. Self-esteem reaches more deeply into how we experience our own worth: whether we regard ourselves as acceptable, deserving of care and entitled to occupy space in the world even when we are struggling, uncertain or imperfect.

Both can vary considerably across situations. Someone may appear highly accomplished and self-assured professionally while feeling deeply insecure in intimate relationships. Another person may doubt their abilities in unfamiliar situations while nevertheless retaining a fairly stable sense that making mistakes does not diminish their worth.

Difficulties often develop when self-worth becomes conditional. A person may feel acceptable when they are productive, useful, attractive, agreeable, successful or needed by others, but experience a sharp change in how they see themselves when those conditions are not met. Achievement can then provide reassurance without ever quite producing security, because each success must eventually be followed by another.

Similar patterns can develop around other people’s responses. If approval becomes an important measure of worth, disagreement may feel like rejection, criticism may acquire disproportionate significance, and saying no can become difficult. A person may become highly attentive to other people’s reactions while becoming increasingly uncertain about their own preferences, boundaries or judgement.

Low self-esteem does not always look like obvious insecurity. It can appear as perfectionism, overachievement, difficulty receiving praise, excessive self-reliance, people-pleasing, defensiveness or reluctance to attempt anything that might expose limitation. Some people protect themselves by withdrawing; others protect themselves by becoming exceptionally competent.

Confidence can become constrained in a similar way. Avoiding situations in which we might fail, feel awkward or be judged provides immediate protection from embarrassment. But it also prevents us from discovering what we can tolerate and learn. The world can gradually become organised around what feels safe rather than what matters.

Our relationship with ourselves develops in context. Family relationships, attachment experiences, school, friendships, culture, discrimination, trauma, success and failure can all contribute to the standards against which we learn to evaluate ourselves. Messages do not have to be explicitly critical to have an effect. Sometimes what matters is what received attention, what was rewarded, what created conflict, or which parts of ourselves seemed easiest for other people to accept.

Understanding self-esteem therefore involves more than asking whether someone thinks positively or negatively about themselves. It means becoming curious about the standards they have learned to use to measure their worth, whose standards those are, and what happens internally when they believe they have failed to meet them.